Armenian Radio Jokes

[$FIGO$]

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?” Both guarantee freedom of speech.”

We’re answering: “Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “When the final phase of socialism, namely communism, is built, will there still be thefts and pilfering?”

We’re answering: “No, because everything will be already pilfered during socialism.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it true that American skyscrapers are the tallest in the world?”

We’re answering: “Yes, it's true, but on the other hand the Soviet-made transistors are the largest in the world.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?”

We’re answering: “The English fairy tale start with ‘Once upon a time…’, and ours with ‘It will be soon…’”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon.” Then, what is a horizon?”

We’re answering: “Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What should we do if the Western borders of the USSR were opened?”

We’re answering: “Rush to Siberia at once in order not to be crushed in the stampede.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Will the police still exist when communism is built?”

We’re answering: “Of course, not. By that time, all citizens will have learned how to arrest themselves.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What to do if a man you don't know takes a seat at your table in a pub and starts to sigh?”

We’re answering: “Immediately demand to stop the anti-Soviet propaganda.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to build socialism in Switzerland?”

We’re answering: “It's possible, but why? Did Switzerland really do something wrong to you?”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What shall we do if suddenly we feel a desire to work?”

We’re answering: “Just rest for a while on a sofa. It will pass.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the easiest way to explain the meaning of the word ‘communism’?”

We’re answering: “By means of fists.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why did the man who shot at a government limousine on the Red Square miss the target?”

We’re answering: “Because citizens who happened to be next to him tried to wrest the gun from him and shouted, ‘Let me shoot!’”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What to do if vodka interferes with the job?”

We’re answering: “Get off the job.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?”

We’re answering: “At Lenin's time, Russia was still only ankle-high in shit.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the duration of the workday in a socialist country?”

We’re answering: “Of course, it's an eight-hour workday: from eight am to eight pm.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is an exchange of opinions?”

We’re answering: “When you walk into your boss's office with your opinion and walk out with his.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Can a son of a General become a Marshal?”

We’re answering: “No, because every Marshal also has a son.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why is our government not in a hurry to land our men on the moon?”

We’re answering: “What if they refuse to return?”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Was it possible to criticize Hitler?”

We’re answering: “Sure.” The same way as you criticized Stalin. You had to lock yourself in your bedroom, hide under two, or better three covers, place a pillow, or better two pillows on top of the blankets over your head, and then whisper whatever your soul wishes about the dictator, strictly adhering to a five-minute limit.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Which tea is better, Chinese or Soviet-grown?”

We’re answering: “Don't mix up in the confrontation between the superpowers. Drink coffee.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Will there be the third world war?”

We’re answering: “No, but the struggle for peace will reach such degree that there will be no stone left intact on the earth.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why policemen always walk the streets in teams of three?”

We’re answering: “The partners in the police team are always chosen in such a way that one of them knows how to read, the other how to write, and the third one, naturally, has to keep watch over those two intellectuals.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why do we need two central newspapers, Pravda (Truth) and Izvestiya (News) if both are organs of the same Party?”

We’re answering: “Because in Pravda there is no news, and in Izvestiya there is no truth.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is it that starts with an R and never ends?”

We’re answering: “Reorganization.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to build socialism in one stand-alone country?”

We’re answering: “It's possible, but better to live in another country.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to solve a problem which has no solution?”

We’re answering: “We don't answer questions related to agriculture.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is permitted and what is prohibited?”

We’re answering: “In England, what is permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited.

In America everything is permitted except for what is prohibited.

In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted.

In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited.

In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted.

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Bukovsky, and other dissidents have been exiled from the country?”

We’re answering: “Don't you know that the best products are always selected for export?”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is there life on other planets?”

We’re answering: “On other planets there is also no life.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Are there questions you can't answer?”

We’re answering: “No. We approach our job in accordance with the Marx' dialectics. To any question we can give any answer.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why did butter disappear from the stores' shelves?”

We’re answering: “It all has melted under the sun of the Soviet Constitution.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it true that Akopian had won last Sunday hundred thousand rubles in the state lottery?”

We’re answering: “Yes, it is true. Only it was not last Sunday but Monday. And it was not Akopian but Vagramian. And not in the state lottery but in checkers. And not hundred thousand but one hundred rubles. And not won but lost.”

[GevJan]

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